DOWN ON THE MARINA!
I’m sitting down on the marina in San Francisco, looking out the window of my car. I’m homeless. I’ve got nothing better to do, so I just sit in my car and watch the people walk or ride by on their bikes.
I’ve noticed a lady who comes down here four days a week, with about eight dogs. She throws a ball in the water, and the dogs run after it. The dogs look pretty stupid to me, but I guess they’re having a good time. There are two seals that like to come and lay out on the dock where the boats are, and there’s lots and lots of boats.
Today I notice a pregnant woman in a blue dress pushing a man in a wheelchair, and they’re both wearing the same kind of hat. Blue with white letters on them.
I start thinking,
“How did this guy get her pregnant? I thought that if your legs stop working that your dick did, too.”
And then I started thinking,
“Maybe she was in another relationship, but found this guy in the wheelchair and fell in love with the way he talks to her. Or maybe she fell in love with the way he looks at her…because maybe when he looks at her, he really sees her.”
…or maybe I’m just jealous that he’s fucking, and I’m not. I’m not sure. I mean, I’m happy for him.
At 10:00pm you’re not allowed to be parked at the Marina, but that’s cool, because I leave at about 6:30pm to go and do stand-up comedy. Mostly open-mics, but sometimes I get paid gigs, and I’m really good…so good that I can get other open-mic comedians to buy my DVDs.
I’m only good on stage.
When I’m off the stage, I’m not sure what to say, so I don’t say too much. I just ask people if they would like to buy my DVD. It’s just a plain white DVD, with no picture and no writing on it, but I still sell them. I only ask for donations, but if the donation is too small I won’t take it. I’m really looking for about ten dollars, but I ask for donations, because sometimes people will give you twenty, fifty, or even a hundred dollars for one DVD, because they think I’m worth it.
And I am.
At the end of the night, and the comedy show is over, I like to go back down by the Marina and park across the street from the water in front of a big, bright, yellow house.
I think to myself,
“I’m going to buy that house someday, and move in there with the girl of my dreams. She’s an actress, who does stand-up comedy too. She’s not very good at either, but she’s the cutest girl in Hollywood to me, and she’s got a sweetness about her. But I’m sure she’s very shallow like most girls in Hollywood. I don’t care. I just want what I want, and she’s the one I want. I never told her how I felt. I just assume I got to make it first as a comedian or actor before I can worry about her.”
But I find myself day-dreaming about her all the time.
She comes from a well-to-do family. Her Dad is a movie producer, but he’s never produced anything of quality. He’s a hack, in it just for the money, not the love. Her Mother is just a housewife, and she and her Mother are really close. She’s 25 and still lives at home with her parents, and has never moved away from them. I wish I didn’t like her so much…or think about her so much, but she’s the only girl who ever took my breath away. I used to think that was just a thing that people would say. Until one day I saw her and couldn’t take a breath. I couldn’t think. It was like I was frozen, and I swear that’s never happened to me before. It’s really a helpless feeling, and I like being in control of myself.
She’s one of the reasons I left Hollywood and came up to San Francisco. I was hoping to forget about her, but I think about her more now than ever before. And she’s probably the reason why I’m not getting any pussy.
I compare every girl that’s interested in me to her, and I always think,
“You’re no __________ ____________.”
The girls must think I’m weird, because they’ll throw themselves at me and I act like I don’t know what’s going on. I hate just thinking about one girl. I always thought a man should have more than one woman…but she’s the only one I want. And I wish she wasn’t, because she’s just a fantasy. I would never tell her how I feel, because I’m just a loser who sleeps in his car.
She’ll probably marry some guy like her Dad…a guy who produces bullshit movies.
And I’ll probably die in my car.
I’m hoping it’s right here in front of the Marina…so I can die somewhere beautiful.